Alas, no date yet.

Hi there,

So, we still don't have a date. I've been pretty frustrated about this and have felt that it just isn't fair! But, fortunately, I have a wonderful fiance, mom, best friend, and other family and friends who have really encouraged me to not be discouraged! And after a few long chats with the Big Guy upstairs, I've realized that I have been afraid to really come to grips with reality. We have wanted God to be in the center of this, but for that to happen, I have to let go of control. Well, that's the part I had myself fooled on. I thought I was really trusting God with this, until things didn't go my way. I started worrying, stressing, and fearing the worst. What if I don't know the date until a week before? What if no one can come because we have too short of notice? What if I can't get plane tickets for the people who can come? What if? What if? WHAT IF?! At this point in time, God gently tapped me on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, Lindsay?"

"What do you want! This is all your fault anyway!"

"Darling heart, listen to me"

"Okay. Fine."

"Who am I?"

"God"

"God of what?"

"Everything"

"So, if I created the whole world, and I created life, and I created all humans, and I created time, and I created space, and I created love, and I created you and Kristjan, and I created the moment you two met, fell in love, and got engaged, why do you think I have not created the moment you will get married? Why do you think that is somehow beyond my control?"

"Uhh..."

"Have I ever failed you?"

"No"

"Have you ever thought I wasn't going to come through with something"

"Um yes, like every day of my life"

"And then what happened?"

"You came through. You made it better than what I thought I wanted. You told me what to do, and even though I didn't want to or it looked hard or painful, you got me through it and it ended up being about 1000 times better than what I thought I wanted"

"So if you want this day to be special, precious, amazing, etc, why are you not trusting me to take care of it?"

"Because I can't tell what the heck you are doing up there. And I want to know what's going to happen."

"If you knew five years ago what you were going to go through and what was going to happen, what do you think you would've done?"

"Well, to start, I wouldn't have gone to Pittsburgh or to Towson if I had known I wasn't going to make it in dance. And if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have met Kristjan or have had all the amazing experiences with Cru at Towson, and I wouldn't have gone on Summer Project or met my best friend."

"Where would you be then?"

"I don't know, but I doubt it could measure up to what the past few years has brought me"

"So.... Why aren't you trusting me with this again?"

"Because I'm lame and can't trust something I can't see. Sorry God, I want to trust you, but I'm pretty much a failure at this."

"You are never a failure in my eyes. But I know this is hard for you, that's why I'm going to help you have the perseverance to get through this, and I'll help teach you how to trust me more. But this is only if you allow me to do so. If you try to do this on your own, it's going to be much harder than if you just trust me and let me work through you. So what do you say? Are you in?"

"Um yeah. You're definitely much better at this than I am"

"Ok, let's get to work"

So since this conversation with the Big Guy, and many more similar to it, I've started having a better feeling about this whole ordeal. I've come to terms with the fact that I really may not know the date until a week prior to the wedding, but if that happens, then God will take care of it. I may only have 5 people there, but that does not mean it won't be meaningful and wonderful. My Dad and Step-mom, Karen, got married with only a handful of people there, and they loved it. So why do I think I have to have at least 100 people there for it to be special? The point is, this is going to be a day where I will marry the man I love, the man that is better than what my dreams ever could have come up with. Isn't that all that really matters?
Well, yes. Yes it is.