God’s sense of Humor

Just for fair warning, this is a long one! But so much good came out of it!

So, on Sunday I decided to search for wedding stuff, again. I ended up emailing a vendor to get a price estimate, and on Monday I got an email back. And whoa buddy, it was not pretty. Everything in a wedding is soooo expensive!! Anyway, I talked to Kristjan that night and after we hung up I just had this huge feeling of despair, yet again.

It seems like every time I feel okay about this wedding and not knowing anything, that God comes in and is like, yeah, actually, you’re still not trusting me. Here, let me show you. Think you trust me with money? Look how much this costs. Think you trust me with a date? Oh actually it may not happen at that time period. It might be 3 months later. Think you have a plan for not having a plan? Yeah, um no. You don’t anymore. So with everything gone, do you still trust me?

My answer: No!

Everyday I feel like I’m in a battle over this wedding. It shouldn’t be like this right? I should have gotten a date for this wedding within a few weeks of getting engaged, right? I should have my dress, bridesmaid dresses, flowers, hair, photographer, caterer, guest list, honeymoon, ceremony music, reception music, invitations, centerpieces, yadda yadda yadda by now, right? But do I? No! Why? Cause I don’t have a freaking date!!

Obviously this all came to a head Monday night as I cried my eyes out in the shower, begging, pleading for God to please please PLEASE give us a date! I said to Him, Lord, everything in this wedding, the decorations, the dresses, the location, the food, the whatevers, none of that matters anymore. Yeah, of course I would love a beautiful wedding with amazing decorations and details. But when it comes down to it, I’ve realized how petty that all really is. Father, my dream wedding isn’t something that will be defined by ribbons or bows, by tuxes or suits, by lilies or dandelions, by a 5 star meal or only lima beans to eat. Father, what I really truly care about is that on that day, I’ll be getting married. And I don’t want my guests to come to simply watched a “pretty” wedding, I want them to come to experience this day with us. I don’t want a wedding that is merely for spectators, but I want something much more meaningful and deeper than that. I want a wedding where I can bring joy to my family and friends and where we can all share this joy together. Something where when people leave they won’t be thinking, “Oh what a beautiful wedding, I loved their flowers, and the food was pretty good too!” No, I want my guests to leave and think, “Wow, what a beautiful wedding. I just got to experience something really special, something rich, something called love. Something where I didn’t just come and watch people sniffle and cry, but I got to witness a true love between these two human beings and where they in turn involved us in the wedding. I didn’t just witness a beautifully decorated day, but rather I actually just witnessed a marriage between two souls.”

So Father, you can see my heart behind this. It isn’t superficial and it isn’t for my own selfish reasons. So how come I can’t just get a date, if for nothing else for me to be excited for the day I can start this new chapter in my life? A day where I marry the man I love and share it with all the people in my life whom we love?

His answer: silence.

UGH! I thought Tuesday morning. REALLY? STILL? NOTHING? What the heck!

Enter from Stage Left, Mom.

Yo momma, this is whats up, and it really stinks!!!!!!!

Mom, of course, had wonderfully wise comments. After a long 2 and a half hour skype chat, I finally felt at peace again and as if okay, God, whatever you decide to do is really okay with me. If I don’t know for a long time that’s alright, because I’m trusting you’re going to make this so much better than I could dream. Lord, it looks completely impossible at this moment for anything to work out! We only have two weekends available, and neither of those really work without compromising other important factors. So God, I’ll trust that you’ll make something work and pull out some sort of miracle here because you love to do the impossible when all hope seems lost.

So, for most of the day I felt pretty good and at peace.

Then I talked to Kristjan.

“Well, I got an email back from my detailer. There’s good news and bad news.”

Oh boy, here we go.

“The good news, we may have a date. The bad news? My detailer told me to plan on getting off of my ship in OCTOBER.”

OCTOBER?!?! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS GOD! That’s so much further away than we thought, and even so it may not still be set in stone? What’s next? We wait until then and then JK it’s actually October of 2022? NO THANKS!

God: silence.

I hate when you’re so quiet and all this stuff is thrown at me from left field!

God: Shhhhh. Talk this out. With him, Kristjan. Talk to him.

Me to Kristjan: Well, I’m worried about this and this and this. I can’t see this working or that. What the heck I don’t want to wait that long. I don’t want to get married sooner either. I wanted to get married in July. My heart was set on it. This really really stinks! And I have no idea what to do!

(Well to make an already very long and eventful story only a tiny bit shorter, we talked and talked and talked. I eventually calmed down enough to think straight)

Me: Okay, so what you’re telling me is that I could do the second 5 week internship from late June to late July, we could get married in late May, and then have 5 or 6 weeks together before your deployment?

Kristjan: Yep. Either that, or we get married in October. Or we wait and see if God wants us to do some unknown third option.

(Pros for May: About 100. Pros for October: 0. Pros for other: 2)

Me: May’s looking pretty good to me. So what should we do?

Kristjan: Pray. Talk to our families. See what they think about all this.

Me: Yeah, maybe after tomorrow we’ll have a better idea on what to do next.

So God, I think I was so set on July and my plan for not having a plan that you did this to stop me in my tracks and show me something possibly much better than what I was thinking. I was dead-set against getting married before Kristjan left for deployment. He felt like it could be a good thing. Then his deployment got pushed back a month.

My thoughts? Maybe this is so he won’t have to go on deployment and we can get married in July without him having to leave!

God’s thoughts: Maybe, but maybe not.

Maybe, his deployment got pushed back so that we could get married in May and have several weeks together before he left for deployment. Maybe when he gets back there won’t be any time to squeeze a wedding in. Maybe May is the best time so that both of your families can come. Maybe it would be better to have that first month or so together and see each other much more than you would if you got married shortly before moving to South Carolina. Maybe this actually is the better way to start our marriage rather than waiting until after he gets back from deployment. Maybe… just maybe.

Hmm God, you know, you’re a lot funnier than people give you credit for. Here I was, so sure of something, and you watch me and give a loving laugh. Then you pick me up with my feet still running in the air, like a dog does when it hovers over a bath tub, and set me back down in a completely different direction. So I’m off and running! And thanks for understanding me when I’m so frustrated with life, and with you. I’m so glad you haven’t given up on me even though I really stink at this whole trusting thing.

So tomorrow, we’ll talk to our parents and see. And maybe tomorrow we’ll have a date? Or maybe they’ll shed some light and wisdom on things we didn’t think about. Either way it’s a step forward, and another learning curve for me to be open-minded about God’s plan and not so stuck on my own.